The head and the heart has a better ring to it, buuuut I don’t want to get sued. I don’t have time for that shit. Anyway, if I had a penny for every time I heard “just follow your heart,” but to be honest, I’m not convinced that is always the best choice. My heart, bless its heart, has led me into some pretty painful situations in life. And I have followed, ignoring everything else but the flutters in my belly, trusting completely that my heart always knows best. Leaving all logic behind, ignoring the flags my intuition is aggressively waving in front of my face and truly only seeing what I want to see, the illusion beautifully painted by they heart. But illusions can only last so long. And when they dissolve, where are you? Personally, my heart is a glutton for punishment. It doesn’t matter how much I am broken, rejected or hurt by someone. It is not capable of grudges, it is not capable of revenge. It waits there, like a god-damn puppy, with open-arms to its abuser, wanting to forgive and serve. And then, eventually the heart hardens and begins to defend itself, and although it’s caring never fades, it’s vulnerability slowly diminishes until you can’t even remember what it felt like to have no walls.
Do you ever get caught up in a spiral of self-judgment when you feel like you have failed at something?
I’m going to be honest about something… I have been judging the shit out of myself for about 3 years now about this one thing that I can’t seem to move past. Three years is a long time to feel like a failure. Trust me. I know it sounds like I am being hard on myself but that is exactly what I have been doing and it sucks! It’s not that I spend every day wallowing around feeling sad and depressed. But I have been “stuck” in certain areas of my life that are related to this area of “failure.” I feel like one of those “quote, un-quote” people right now. Sorry.
I was reading Mantra Yoga + Health Magazine the other night, they did a cool series called “Strong Woman Feature” I had to read. I love hearing strong, successful women share their vulnerabilities. I think it is so powerful for other women to realize that they don’t have to have their shit 100% together to make a huge difference in the world. I think we see these amazing women and have a tendency to think that it is so far from what we are, when we hear their stories it’s an inspiration to move forward. Anyway, the series is very cool.
For obvious reasons I have replaced my nightly glass of wine with a cup of herbal tea before bed. I rarely read the tea bag wisdom that comes on the end of the string… mostly because by the end of the day the last thing I want to do is think about trying to be a better person. I have most likely been thinking about that in one form or another since the moment I opened my eyes that morning, and I’m ready to binge watch Netflix until it’s time to go to bed. However, lately I have been struggling with some areas of my life. Specifically my romantic relationship and my career. And since I live and work with my boyfriend, those two areas are pretty prominent in my life right now. I won’t get into the details but let’s just say that I have been actively thinking myself into exhaustion about it for the last couple months, pushing for solutions, blaming other people, ruffling feathers, creating waves, jumping to conclusions and all the while managing to be passive aggressive about it all. I know…..you’re dying to hang out with me. Anyway, while Netflix was changing from episode nineteen to episode twenty, I happen to glance down at that stupid little tea bag string and read the message.
You know when you have an awareness about something that is pretty life changing? You know, what Oprah calls the “ah ha” moment? I just call it awareness, although, I guess there have been times when I yelled “ah ha” with excitement after having one of these moments. Anyway, it’s not uncommon, once you experience this, to begin being hyper-aware of this new found wisdom all around you… especially in other people. Let me explain, a few years ago while on one of my many adventures into personal development, I was exploring certain areas of my life that I was struggling with, or maybe just areas I thought could be improved. I was using my mind to try and figure out how to work harder, make more money, give more money, find a partner etc., etc. After completely exhausting myself, I stopped the mental masturbation and just sat back for a moment to rest…. and that’s when it came. I realized that my problem wasn’t my lack of hard work, philanthropy, or not being lovable enough to find a romantic partner. My problem was that I was unable to receive.
I was watching Vice the other night and it was about the country of Mauritania where the women go out into the dessert, often times with their daughters, they sit under tarps and drink nothing but milk and eat these little balls of dough until they throw up. Well, they do their best not to throw up or to move too much because the entire purpose of this practice is to gain as much weight as possible. In their culture being heavy is seen as beautiful, so much so that it is hard to find a man to marry if you are not fat. Basically the bigger the better. Which is very interesting to me, considering the culture we live in which is basically the exact opposite.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder why you are not where you want to be in your life? I do this a lot. And don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing life. But I am a dreamer and a seeker, which sounds cool and everything but in reality kind of feels like a constant yearning for something unknown or some dream just out of reach. I’m always wondering what’s next and I live in a constant state of boredom. Even when I’m overwhelmed with work and tasks, I still feel bored. It’s not necessarily the typical way we describe boredom, like not having anything to do, it’s more of an itch that won’t go away. An itch that is constantly tugging at me no matter how much I ignore it. It feels like something shoving me to fulfill my life’s purpose and yet I don’t know what exactly that is.
Consciousness. This word is thrown around left and right these days. Conscious living, conscious eating, raising conscious children, having a conscious relationship, etc. etc. etc. I bet it means different things to different people. I bet some people use it because they passionately think it will change the world, while others use it on a more superficial level, some use it medically to refer to themselves or others as awake (up and talking) and maybe some people just use it to use it… I probably do that with a few words 🙂
Figuratively speaking, I have fallen on my face several times in my life. I mean, just a few years ago I took a leap of faith into the unknown. I quit my corporate job, rented out my house, and moved in with my parents so I could pursue my business full time. And well, a year into that I was $50k in debt, depressed and still living with my parents.. at 31 years old. It wasn’t my finest moment. In fact, it really did feel like a big fall, flat on my face. Oh, and the time I was asked to give a speech at my high school graduation and I COMPLETELY bombed it. To this day, that is still the most embarrassing moment of my life. Face plant. continue reading
You know those people who always talk about finding their life’s purpose? I’m one of those people. It’s a curse really; I guess unless you actually know what yours is. But I don’t. Maybe I am just dramatic, but this unfulfilled quest causes an incredible amount of turmoil in my life. It’s sort of like when you’re explaining something to someone and all of a sudden, for the life of you, you can’t remember the one word that will tie everything together. It’s right on the tip of your tongue….it’s frustrating as hell! But that is one moment in time, a moment that passes. Imagine having that feeling constantly. A constant feeling that… is… just…so…close. Yet, it never comes. continue reading